Steven wright Quotes

“I saw a bank that said ’24-H...

“I saw a bank that said ’24-Hour Banking,’ but I didn’t have that much time.” – Steven Wright
📅︎ Oct 01
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I went to the 24 hour grocery. When I got there, the guy ...

I went to the 24 hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking up. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' The guy said, "Yes, but not in a row." - Steven Wright
📅︎ Mar 07
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"Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replace...

"Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, 'Do I know you?'" — Steven Wright
📅︎ Dec 28
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I think it's wrong that o...

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly. ...Steven Wright
📅︎ Dec 03
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"If everything seems to be goi...

"If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something." - Steven Wright
📅︎ Jan 10
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"It's a small world, ...

"It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it." — Steven Wright
📅︎ Aug 11
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"What's another...

"What's another word for Thesaurus?" — Steven Wright
📅︎ Jul 10
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"In school, every period ends with a bel...

"In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence." - Steven Wright
📅︎ Jul 15
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"Everyone has a photogra...

"Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film." - Steven Wright
📅︎ Feb 07
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"Hermits have ...

"Hermits have no peer pressure." - Steven Wright
📅︎ May 13
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"I bought some batter...

"I bought some batteries, but they weren't included." — Steven Wright
📅︎ Jun 11
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"My theory of evolut...

"My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted." — Steven Wright
📅︎ May 05
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"The first time I ever read the...

"The first time I ever read the dictionary I thought it was a poem about everything." — Steven Wright
📅︎ Dec 04
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"I was walking down the stree...

"I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out." — Steven Wright
📅︎ Mar 25
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"Last year I went fishing with Salvad...

"Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish." — Steven Wright
📅︎ Feb 03
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There's a fine line between fi...

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot." - Steven Wright
📅︎ Feb 21
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I put a humidifier and a deh...

I put a humidifier and a dehumidifier in a room and let them fight it out - Steven Wright
📅︎ Feb 12
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"Look at the sunset ...

"Look at the sunset from the sun's point of view." - Steven Wright
📅︎ Jan 28
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"Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replace...

"Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, 'Do I know you?'" — Steven Wright
📅︎ Nov 14
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I was reading the dictionar...

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything. -- Steven Wright
📅︎ Feb 20
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I drive way too fa...

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. Steven Wright
📅︎ Feb 09
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"Light travels faster than sound....

"Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak." – Steven Wright
📅︎ Apr 07
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"When I woke up this morning my girlfrie...

"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'" — Steven Wright
📅︎ Jan 16
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Experience is something y...

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. - Steven Wright
📅︎ Dec 11
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"What's another...

"What's another word for Thesaurus?" — Steven Wright
📅︎ Dec 27
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"It doesn't make a difference wh...

"It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature." — Steven Wright
📅︎ Oct 09
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"I used to work in a fire hydran...

"I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place." — Steven Wright
📅︎ Oct 25
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I couldn’t repair your...

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. Steven Wright
📅︎ Jul 24
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I drive way too fa...

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. Steven Wright
📅︎ Jul 06
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Light travels faster than sound....

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak. - Steven Wright
📅︎ May 07
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"The early bird gets the ...

"The early bird gets the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese" - Steven Wright
📅︎ Jan 16
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I intend to live ...

I intend to live forever. So far, so good." Steven Wright
📅︎ Sep 18
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"To understand a man, you should walk a mile in his shoes. ...

"To understand a man, you should walk a mile in his shoes. If he's still bothered by what you say, it's okay, because you will be a mile away and you will have his shoes." Steven Wright
📅︎ Mar 21
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I...

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?" -- Steven Wright
📅︎ May 05
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Depression is merel...

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. -- Steven Wright
📅︎ Nov 21
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Whenever I think of the...

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories. Steven Wright
📅︎ Aug 10
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Right now I’m having amnesia and d...

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before. - Steven Wright
📅︎ Aug 08
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"If at first you dont ...

"If at first you dont succeed, skydiving is not for you." --Steven Wright
📅︎ Sep 27
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"I intend to live...

"I intend to live forever. So far so good."-Steven Wright
📅︎ Dec 14
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“Experience is something ...

“Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.”-Steven Wright
📅︎ Jan 04
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If a tree falls in the for...

If a tree falls in the forest and it hits a mime does it make a sound? - Steven Wright
📅︎ Jun 02
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"42.7% of all statis...

"42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot." -- Steven Wright
📅︎ Nov 27
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