Mitch hedberg Quotes

“I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins in...

“I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won’t fall down. —Mitch Hedberg
📅︎ Mar 05
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"You can't please all of the people al...

"You can't please all of the people all of the time, and last night all of those people came to my show." — Mitch Hedberg
📅︎ Mar 17
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"Rice is great if you're re...

"Rice is great if you're really hungry and you want 2000 of something." - Mitch Hedberg
📅︎ Jan 04
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“An escalator can neve...

“An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.” -Mitch Hedberg
📅︎ Oct 09
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I used to do drugs. ...

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too. -Mitch Hedberg
📅︎ Oct 02
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My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen b...

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said no, but I might want a regular banana later so I said yes. --Mitch Hedberg
📅︎ Nov 06
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"I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm ju...

"I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later." — Mitch Hedberg
📅︎ Sep 27
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"I like an escalator because an escalator can never break, it can only beco...

"I like an escalator because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. There would never be an escalator temporarily out of order sign, only an escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience." — Mitch Hedberg
📅︎ Oct 26
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"I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins int...

"I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down." — Mitch Hedberg
📅︎ Sep 16
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My fake plants died bec...

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them - Mitch Hedberg
📅︎ Jan 02
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"I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm j...

"I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just gonna ask them where they're going and catch up with them later." - Mitch Hedberg
📅︎ Dec 01
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"I'm against picketing...

"I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it." — Mitch Hedberg
📅︎ Jun 23
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"I don't have a girlfriend. But ...

"I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that." — Mitch Hedberg
📅︎ Mar 13
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My fake plants died bec...

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. - Mitch Hedberg
📅︎ Apr 06
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"I'm against picketing...

"I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it." — Mitch Hedberg
📅︎ Aug 31
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"If you find yourself lost in the woods, fuck it, bu...

"If you find yourself lost in the woods, fuck it, build a house. "Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament!"" - Mitch Hedberg
📅︎ Jun 19
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"I drank some boiling ...

"I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle." Mitch Hedberg
📅︎ Mar 30
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"I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm ju...

"I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later." - Mitch Hedberg
📅︎ May 27
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Advil has a candy coating. It is delicious. On th...

Advil has a candy coating. It is delicious. On the bottle, it says do not have more than two. Well, then don’t put a candy coating on it. — Mitch Hedberg
📅︎ Apr 03
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“My fake plants died be...

“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.” -Mitch Hedberg
📅︎ Apr 19
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"Is a hippopotamus a hipp...

"Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?" - Mitch Hedberg
📅︎ Oct 06
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"I'm against picketing...

"I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it." ~Mitch Hedberg
📅︎ Nov 13
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“It's very dangerous to wave to people you do...

“It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're being cocky.” - Mitch Hedberg
📅︎ Feb 02
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My fake plants died be...

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. Mitch Hedberg
📅︎ Feb 12
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"I find a duck's opinion of me i...

"I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread." - Mitch Hedberg
📅︎ Aug 27
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Alcolholism is a disease, but i...

Alcolholism is a disease, but it's the only disease we can get yelled at for having. -Mitch Hedberg
📅︎ Nov 14
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I don’t have a microwave oven,...

I don’t have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks shit. -Mitch Hedberg
📅︎ Apr 02
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"My fake plants died bec...

"My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them." - Mitch Hedberg
📅︎ Jun 21
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"I haven't slept for ten...

"I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long." - Mitch Hedberg
📅︎ Mar 21
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I think Bigfoot is blurry; that's the problem. It's not the photographer's faul...

I think Bigfoot is blurry; that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. "Run, he's fuzzy, get out of here." — Mitch Hedberg
📅︎ Aug 06
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"My fake plants died bec...

"My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them." - Mitch Hedberg
📅︎ Feb 14
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"Every book is a chil...

"Every book is a children's book, if the kid can read!" —Mitch Hedberg
📅︎ Dec 07
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"My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops h...

"My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?" - Mitch Hedberg
📅︎ Oct 10
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"I love blackjack. But I'm not addi...

"I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle." - Mitch Hedberg
📅︎ Aug 15
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"No matter how good I get a...

"No matter how good I get at tennis... I'll never be good as... a wall." -Mitch Hedberg.
📅︎ Dec 29
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"A waffle is like a...

"A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap." - Mitch Hedberg
📅︎ Oct 10
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"PS: This is what part of the ...

"PS: This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated." -Mitch Hedberg
📅︎ Jan 28
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I'm sick of following my dreams, I'm ju...

I'm sick of following my dreams, I'm just going to ask them where they are going, and hook up with them later. -Mitch Hedberg
📅︎ Feb 09
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"I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, "I hear music",...

"I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, "I hear music", as if there is any other way you can take it in. You're not special, that's how I receive it too. I tried to taste it but it did not work."- Mitch Hedberg
📅︎ Sep 23
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"I bought an ant farm....

"I bought an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow me shit." - Mitch Hedberg
📅︎ Jun 29
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"I'd like to get four people...

"I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart." - Mitch Hedberg
📅︎ Oct 06
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"I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm ju...

"I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later." -Mitch Hedberg
📅︎ Aug 08
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"I want to get cinnamon-roll in...

"I want to get cinnamon-roll incense, so my roommates can wake up with false hopes." - Mitch Hedberg
📅︎ Dec 05
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"I have not slept for 10 ...

"I have not slept for 10 days because that would that be too long." - Mitch Hedberg
📅︎ Jul 04
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I remixed the rem...

I remixed the remix so it was back to normal. Mitch Hedberg
📅︎ Sep 20
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"I know a lot about cars. I can look ...

"I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming" - Mitch Hedberg
📅︎ Oct 11
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